guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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