When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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