Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
