Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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