I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
