The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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