Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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