Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
