At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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