I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
