Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
