a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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