I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
