She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
