I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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