8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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