dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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