No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
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