it's too hot outside to masturbate.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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