At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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