Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
