i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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