you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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