I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
