You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
