we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
