Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
