theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
