The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
