I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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