I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
