Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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