I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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