im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize