OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
