Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
