i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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