I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
