omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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