if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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