I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
