my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
