just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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