so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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