i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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