I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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