You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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