He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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