Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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