separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
