I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
