Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
