Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
