Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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