If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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