so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize