DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
