I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
